Simon Says…

(Yet another missing column for the archives)

Like it or not, that special time is here again. The American people are beginning to look toward the future and wonder who it’s going to be. The stakes are high and all the potential candidates are throwing their hats in the ring and hoping for your vote. I’m talking, of course, about a new season of American Idol.

I love American Idol. I love American Idol for one reason, though. I never buy the CDs, I seldom vote, and I generally don’t care for the music. But I LOVE the judges! The Judges are the best part of American Idol.

First, there’s Randy Jackson, whose chief contribution to the show is to remind everyone that he was the bass player for “Journey” and say “Dog” as many times as is humanly possible in one sentence. As in, “Yo dog, look dog, that was good, dog, but yo dog, this time, dog, without the kazoo, dog. O.k. dog? Dog?”

There’s also Paula Abdul, who, if she hadn’t been a pop-star herself, would be the perfect operator at a suicide hotline. Paula Abdul can find the silver lining in even the darkest of clouds. She could be judging the audition of a 300 pound clown in a leotard, beating tympani with one hand and dragging his nails across a chalk-board with the other, all the while singing Dixie in a pterodactylesque falsetto (not an unusual audition at American Idol) and she could still come up with something positive to say. Common Abdulisms are “I really love your spirit”, “You have your own unique sound”, or “I really appreciate that your suspenders match your pocket protector.”

Then, of course, there’s Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell is the judge on American Idol you love to hate. Simon Cowell does for positive reinforcement what Hitler did for race relations. He crushes people’s hopes and dreams with all the attachment of a sociopath. When watching the early audition rounds it’s not uncommon to see an audition end something like this:

Contestant (nice looking young man singing slightly off key): “We are the Champions…”

Simon: “Stop! Stop! What was that?”

Contestant: ““We are the Champions” by Queen”

Simon: That was atrocious! I felt as If I were listening to a cat being bludgeoned to death with a microphone.

Contestant (near tears): Is there anything I can do to improve?

Simon: Yes. Never sing again. Ever. Anywhere! Don’t sing in the shower, or in the privacy of your own room. Don’t even sing in the soundless vacuum of space. Pay a friend to punch you in the stomach whenever you do sing. Also, if you must again emerge from what I can only assume is some sort of underground colony of sewer freaks, please do us surface-dwellers a favor and wear this paper bag over your head.

As you can imagine, these auditions often end in people crying and storming out of the studio, but that’s all part of the fun.

The reason I love the judges so much is because I know them so intimately. Every thing I’ve ever done in my life the American Idol judges have been by my side criticizing me. Randy is the voice of my friends who encourage and reject me. Paula’s my wife, who sees me doing no wrong. And Simon… well, he’s the snake hissing in the back of my psyche telling me I’m not good enough and I’ll never be. I’ve done my best to ignore them, but they’re always there giving their constant stream of unfiltered criticism. Sometimes, I’ve learned, you just have to put on your leotard, grab that tympani mallet, and say “forget the judges!” That’s what real super stars do!
So what did you think guys?

Randy: That was tight Dog, Yo Dog, you nailed that part about Simon. D-Man in the Dog house baby! Yo dog, check this out, dog: I played bass for “Journey”.

Paula: Danny. (sigh) I just love your spirit, you… (sigh) you just lift us all with your (sigh) I just… this is what American Idol is about! We love you.

Simon: I thought it was absolutely horrible. It was as though I were reading an article composed by a drunken monkey tap-dancing on a typewriter. Do you even know what grammar is? And that preachy part at the end: it wasn’t even funny. Either it’s a humor column or its something else, decide! Don’t suddenly change your mind in the middle. Also, if you must insist on having your picture in the paper, do us all a favor and wear this paper bag.