Local Columnist Solves World Economic Crisis

(note: this is a column I found that I mistakenly forgot to archive) 

A couple of weeks ago, the stock market took a sudden and unexpected dive. For those of you who haven’t been following this story, apparently over in Beijing, someone spilled their Diet Coke on a computer console and their market went down nine points. This of course scared American investors and sent our market down to the lowest average in decades.

Those of you who watch CNBC (not many people do outside of Guantanamo Bay) know that it doesn’t take much to scare investors. Investors wet their pants over things that average people couldn’t possibly fathom affecting their lives. Things like the price of the cashew nut.

You’ve seen it on the news. A reporter announces something mind numbingly trivial like: “The price of dust has gone down a fourth of a cent,” and then the camera flashes to a shot of investors scrambling around like Wall Street is being attacked by Godzilla.

This is the huge problem with the New York Stock Exchange in my ill-informed opinion: the whole place is in a perpetual state of panic to where the slightest news can threaten the financial security of the free world. But why shouldn’t they be in panic? Imagine you’re a broker. Your job is basically to spend other people’s money and wait around all day for a giant computer to tell you whether you’re going to the Bahamas or federal prison. You don’t know how the computer makes this decision (some suspect it involves a chimpanzee and a giant wheel of some sort) but week after week that this giant computer is deciding your fate and the smallest thing, like the price of chalk, could be the difference between spending your large fortune on a yacht or trading cigarettes for a rock hammer.

Multiply this by about a thousand investors and a zillion cups of coffee and you have, to say the least, a high pressure environment.

Now I know it’s pretty early in my career to be talking about Nobel Prizes (though a Nobel in economics would be a great thing to casually mention at my high school reunion) but on my lunch break I figured this whole mess out and I think Stockholm will be calling me soon.

What Wall Street needs is a strong leader: someone who can help investors keep their cool, someone who can guide them through the investment process, help them capitalize on their assets, and through a rigorous process of elimination, reach the best deal possible. Someone surrounded by gorgeous models. I’m talking or course about Howie Mandel.

Those of you who have seen the world’s most elaborate televised scratch-off ticket, “Deal or No Deal”, know what I’m talking about. The rest of you should go find the cross-word puzzle because you’re obviously way too sophisticated for this article. I’ll start you off, 26 across in “Gregory Peck”.

What should of happened as soon as China’s market went down is this:

Howie Mandel- This game is easy, you have two options: BUY OR SELL!

(lights flash and the speakers play exciting sound track music you normally expect to hear when Bruce Willis is jumping from a moving vehicle)Howie- Let’s meet our first investor, Bob Arlington from the investment firm: Arlington and Smith.

(Bob runs down the stairs and takes his place next to Howie Mandel, 26 models, and the big computer)Howie- O.K. Bob, are you ready to play “Buy or Sell”?

Bob- Woooooooooooooooooo!

Howie- O.K., this briefcase is your investment portfolio. Now start selecting other briefcases and we’ll see what happens.

Bob- Alright let’s see… my wife and I have been married 10 years so I’m going with number 10!

Howie- Number 10, beautiful Anya. Anya open the case.

Bob- Keep it good.

(she opens case revealing the words “China down 9”)Bob (ghostly pale)- Yesterday I invested my life savings in egg rolls and fireworks. They said it was a sure thing!

(phone rings)Howie- hello… mmm hmm… mmm hmm, o.k., I’ll tell him.

Bob- What?

Howie- The computer has made a generous offer.

Bob- What is it?

Howie- I’ll tell you… right after this!

(The commercial where Faith Hill sings “Happy Birthday” over the phone to her grandfather)Howie- Welcome back to “Buy or Sell”! We’re about to hear Bob’s offer.

Bob- What is it?

Howie- The computer is willing to give you a nickel and half a package of “Juicy Fruit” for your whole portfolio!

(Bob jumps out the window)Howie- O.K., let’s meet our next contestant here on “Buy or Sell”!

On second thought, maybe Stockholm should hold that Nobel for a couple of years while I work out the kinks.