Holiday Gift Guide 2

 Whether you like it or not, the holiday season is here in full force. Halloween has come and gone, Thanksgiving is all but upon us, and Christmas looms ominously in the distance. It’s time to start thinking about what you’re going to get your children for Christmas. As a public service to families, we’re providing a wish list of the newest and most sought after holiday gifts on the market:

For the Baby:

Mr. Squealing Siren. Mr. Squealing Siren will delight your baby as it squeals nonstop for hours at roughly the decibel level of a NASA shuttle launch. Mr. Squealing Siren requires no batteries and has no discernable off switch, ensuring nothing will come between your child and nonstop fun.

Baby Einstein Poker Set. It’s never too early to get your little one on their way to winning the World Series of Poker. This baby video teaches, with the help of stimulating classical music and entertaining cartoons, your little one basic card hands as well as the rules to 5 Card Draw, Seven Card Stud, and Texas Hold ‘Em. Soon your toddler will be surfing the net for fish in high stake tournaments.

Especially For Boys:

“An Inconvenient Truth” Play Kit. Now your kids can be Al Gore as they present the realities of global warming to the public. Kit comes complete with a suit and tie, a plastic slide projector with images of melting glaciers, and a Nobel Prize medal.  

Strong Men with Big Guns. This new line of action figures is just like every other line of action figures, it features strong men with big guns. Each collectible toy features a different man in mid steroid rage, each with a different big gun. Good luck collecting them all; the makers will simply change the hair color and the shape of the gun, then the name. There will be literally thousands of these things. Look out, also for “Strong Men in Cool  Cars with Big Guns”.

Especially For Girls:

Botox Barbie. Barbie is now in her 50s and needs to make sure she can compete with all the new toys. Your daughter can help Barbie inject collagen in her lips and Botox in her face to keep a youthful look. Also comes with a needle and a special “Botox Jr.” formula so your child can be as beautiful as her Barbie.

10,000,000,000 Beads. I don’t know, they make necklaces or something with them, but rest assured there will be ten thousand million beads spread out all over your house by February. You won’t be able to vacuum them because they’ll tear up your vacuum so you will personally have to pick up ever single bead off the floor. This is a great gift to give some one else’s kids.

For Dad:

IPhone- This is all your dad wants. He can imagine listening to his old albums while cruising the internet and taking calls from his clients. He wants an IPhone so much he’d be willing to sell his thumbs on E-Bay. But let’s face it an IPhone costs about the same as a small congressional campaign so your Dad is going to settle for:

World’s Best Dad Paper Weight .This elegant gift is practical yet aesthetically pleasing. It will be the envy of his coworkers. They’ll all pass by his cubicle and see the weight keeping his papers from blowing adrift in the wind and think to themselves, “Wow! I wish I had one of those! My papers are constantly blowing everywhere and my thankless children have never once praised me that highly. All I got was this stupid IPhone!”

For Mom:

The Blog. This is the latest offering from novelist Nicholas Sparks, author of “The Notebook”. Your mother will live vicariously through Anne whose one true love Quentin writes about her in his blog everyday. Her nurse reads it to her because she’s in a coma from a row-boating accident she had the night she was supposed to meet him to leave with him forever.  Heart broken Quentin continues to profess his love for her even though he has no idea about the terrible accident. I don’t want to give away the ending but it involves a puppy, the song “endless love”, and the empire state building.

Black and Decker Belt Sander. Trust me, she’ll love it!

Just keep in mind, this year, as you do your holiday shopping that the most precious gift of all truly is the miraculous birth of the manger child and the enduring promise of peace on earth and good will toward all. Hopefully this sentiment will comfort you while you’re taking out a second mortgage on the house so you can afford all this junk.