Nerd Horoscopes

Attention nerds everywhere, look to the stars! This horoscope is not for the beautiful and the popular, it’s for you! So open your mind to new possibilities as we boldly go where no horoscope has gone before:

ARIES- This is your big chance! The stars have aligned for you. Hurry up and sell your collection on E-Bay before rumors of a live-action Smurf movie subside.

TAURUS- You will become deeply depressed this week when you realize your World of Warcraft avatar has way more friends than you do.

GEMINI- Lay low for a couple of months and act natural. When you stop seeing black cars parked outside of your house, renew your efforts to purchase plutonium.

CANCER- As you step into incoming traffic this week, the next to last thing to pass through your mind will be the Klingon proverb: “Today is a good day to die!” The last thing to pass through your mind will be your wire retainer.

LEO- This is your future self! Don’t give up on your time-travel research. Soon it will pay off big. Speaking of which, go down to the track and put your savings on a horse named Blind Fury.

VIRGO- Finishing your Latin translation of the final Harry Potter book will finally culminate 4 years worth of Saturday nights.

LIBRA- You are destined to meet the girl of your dreams this week. Keep your distance, she carries mace.

SCORPIO- Your extensive knowledge of 50s Sci-Fi movies will finally come in handy this week as giant tarantulas and cardboard robots attack your school.

SAGITTARIUS- Good news! By this time next year, the Nobel committee will recognize your achievements in the area of chemistry. Bad news: outside of the lab you will still have no achievements in the area of chemistry.

CAPRICORN- You are about to arrive in a strange parallel universe where you still live in your parents basement, Dungeons and Dragons is no longer cool, and extensive knowledge of Battle Star Galactica is considered a social stigma. Do your best to coexist until the next wormhole opens up.

AQUARIUS- Lucy Lawless will be so touched by the power and beauty of your prose that your dreams of making “Xena and Cat Woman vs. the Zombies” into a movie will finally be realized. A story that will amaze your grandkids each time the two of you tell it.

PISCES- Flee the country. Your robots have managed to erase the three laws from their positronic matrix. All mayhem is about to break loose!

So there you have it fellow nerds. A Horoscope made just for you. I hope this article has brought a little hope to your lives. If not, roll it up and dip it in kerosene and strike a match. The tarantulas are afraid of fire.