The Dueling Dodos

I love to watch cable news talk-shows. My wife hates them, she’d rather watch old reruns of “Beverley Hills 90210″ A show I thought was ridiculous 10 years ago, though I did like the episode where Jason Priestly falls in love with his tube of hair gel. The truth though, is that my shows are probably more ridiculous than hers because they’re supposed to be somehow based in reality. If I’ve learned anything from cable news, it’s that there are two sides to every issue. And two sides only! You get the sense from watching, that the only thing keeping the country from dissolving into all out civil war is a commercial break. Of course, most normal Americans are able to find common ground on things. But these shows always manage to dig up two loonies with equal and opposite lunatic view points.

These loonies are called “pundits”. No one knows where pundits come from or why they get to be on TV. Some suspect they might be a colony of sewer dwellers whose only knowledge of the surface world comes from talk radio. What we do know about pundits is that they have the capacity to passionately disagree on virtually any issue put in front of them.

For instance, we all tend to agree that Dog fighting is bad. If two sensible people got together and discussed dog fighting it would be a pretty dry conversation. It would be put on PBS or C-SPAN and no one would watch it because it would be just about as exciting as watching a chess match between a toaster and a ball of yarn. But bring in two pundits and you’ve got the dueling dodos:

Moderator: Hello, welcome to HARDFIRE! I’m Bob Moderator. Tonight our big debate: “Dog Fighting: is it that bad?” Joining me to discuss this are two mentally unstable pundits. Here is animal rights activist and blogger, the cofounder of the A.A.E.P., Jane Womak. Also joining me is right-wing radio host Kyle Rudd, whose new book “Shut UP Commie or I’ll Make You!” has climbed the top seller list over night.  Kyle, let me start with you. Is dog fighting that bad?

Kyle: Absolutely not Bob. This is an issue that has been blown way out of proportion by the elitist pro-canine liberal media. Not all Americans go to art museums and operas for fun. Some of us regular Americans like to bowl, or go to the movies, or electrocute starved dogs and force them to participate in cruel and inhumane blood sports. Same difference.

Moderator: Jane?

Jane: Bob, We here at “Animals at the Expense of People” believe as 99.7% of our polled friends and family do, that any one who mistreats an animal should be executed without a trial. If Fido doesn’t get due process, neither should Michael Vick!

Moderator: Both valid points. We’re talking about this, obviously, because of the recent scandal involving N.F.L. player Michael Vick. Do you feel he was treated fairly Kyle?

Kyle: We have soldiers dying in Iraq for our freedom and this poor man doesn’t even have the freedom to electrocute animals for money. What kind of world are we living in? It’s sick!

Jane: Bob, do you see this adorable calendar photo depicting two puppies in sailor outfits? Let me read the caption for you. It says: “Bone Voyage”

Moderator: awww…

Jane: I think I’ve made my point.

Kyle: Typical liberal media propaganda! How do you know those puppies aren’t terrorist puppies disguised as sailors?

Moderator: Jane, do you think the N.F.L. handled the scandal properly?

Jane: No, Bob, this was a real missed opportunity. The N.F.L. should have publicly hanged all those involved… I think the head commissioner shoul-

Kyle: DON’T CRITICIZE THE N.F.L., WE’RE AT WAR!

Jane: Excuse me, It’s my turn to rant!

Kyle: How dare you, go and…

Jane: DON’T TALK OVER ME!

Kyle: Liberal, Yankee, tree hugging…

 Jane: ignorant, war-mongering,

Kyle: protesting,

Jane: poopie head!

Kyle: takes one to know one!

Jane: I am rubber, you are glue…

Moderator: I wish I could let you guys keep going because you’re each making such valid points, but unfortunately we have to take a commercial break. When we return, two freshman senators are going to risk it all in “the octagon!” You’re    watching HARDFIRE! 

Music. Fade. Cut to commercial. Emmy please!

I know they’re stupid, but I love these shows and I can’t help it. I’m not sure what it is but something in me really loves a good argument. I just like the heat of the fight… two vicious pundits circling each other, salivating, starving for flesh. It’s intoxicating to watch as the moderator gets out of the way and they go at it tearing each other to pieces until finally only one is left standing triumphantly over the corpse of the other. Of course I’m just kidding when I compare cable news to a dog fight. There are some obvious differences. For instance, the producers don’t electrocute the partisan pundits to make them more vicious. Unless of course it’s sweeps week.