TV or not TV…

I know that there are a wide-range of opinions on the topic of kids and television, and that mine is just one among many, so I will try my best to be reasonable, open minded and respectful of alternative viewpoints. That being said, I’m right and everybody else is wrong. Television is o.k. in moderation. My wife is always reading parenting magazines with articles like this:

“Did you know that 96.7% of drug users grew up in an environment where there was a television? Did you further know that Kids who watch T.V. are ten time more likely to be obese, 20 times more likely to have attention deficit disorder, 70 times more likely to flunk college algebra, and 230 times more likely to end up living in a cardboard box and collecting aluminum cans for a living? Did you know that you ought to be ashamed of yourself or that your kid is going to grow up to be fat, lazy, and stupid? Did you know that you are a bad parent? Did you further know…”

And so on and so on. As fair and balanced as these articles are, they don’t tell the whole story. For instance, did you know there’s a direct link between the amount of television a child watches and their parent’s sanity?

When my two year-old is not watching “Dora the Explorer”, she is running around trashing the house like a rock star in a hotel room. One of Norah’s favorite non-television related activities is getting naked, taking a box of Rice Krispies, dumping them on the floor, and dancing on top of them while waving a toilet brush in the air and screaming “help!” at the top of her lungs. I know the parenting magazines call this “explorative learning” but I don’t think she’d be missing too much if she watched “Sesame Street” for an hour.

So, yes, we place her in front of the T.V. when we need a break. BIG DEAL! LAH-DE-DAH! We’re not one bit defensive about it because we have nothing to be defensive about so take your moralistic, holier than thou, granola eating, N.P.R. listening attitude and… (SLAP!) Thanks. I needed that.

The key is to make sure your toddlers are watching shows that are educational and age-appropriate. By “age appropriate” I, of course, mean “incredibly annoying.” Being that I am familiar with many of these shows, allow me to give you a brief guide:

DORA THE EXPLORER. Dora is incredibly educational. Dora is a young cartoon girl who goes on all kinds of colorful and exciting adventures. Dora teaches kids Spanish phrases, problem solving skills, and how to get past border security. Just follow the map: desert… barbwire fence… ORCHARD!

BLUES CLUES. This show is about one incompetent young man’s brave struggle through normal day to day existence. I’m not kidding; Joe does not belong in a house by himself. Joe has trouble with the most rudimentary tasks and when he’s not talking to inanimate objects, he’s looking to your children for help. They will certainly delight in teaching Joe how to brush his teeth, comb his hair, and get the mail, but the grim reality is that if it weren’t for the cartoon dog leaving little reminders everywhere, Joe would probably drown himself trying to take a bath.

THE WIGGLES. Imagine an overly medicated version of the Monkees in classic Star Trek uniforms and you have “The Wiggles”! The Wiggles are a band for toddlers that play extremely “age appropriate” music. Norah loves The Wiggles. If the President of the United States were to walk through our front door it wouldn’t register a bleep on her radar, but if the Wiggles were to walk through the door, she’d shriek and faint like a twelve year old at a Justin Timberlake concert.

TELETUBBIES. Many child shows these days are taking on a new format I like to call “the extended acid trip”. The “Teletubbies” were the original, though, and for my money, they’re still the best. This show will freak you out. As far as I can tell, the Teletubbies are alien babies who jump around in a field all day and speak a weird little alien language. Whatever you do, don’t watch it too long or they will begin to haunt your dreams. Believe me, you don’t want the freaky little baby faced sun messing with your head!

These are just a few of the shows on television that are rich in educational value and fun to watch! As long as Television is watched in moderation, it should have no lasting harmful effects. After all, I watched tons of television as a child and I turned out fine. I watched tons of television as a child and I turned out fine. I watched tons of television as a child and I turned out fine. Now if you need me, I’ll be out collecting aluminum cans.